The Death of Cornelius: Gustavo’s Sanity, Basketball Fan, and Debt-Ridden Abstract Concept

Cornelius, the fragile embodiment of Gustavo’s sanity, officially expired on August 29, 2025. Known in the neighborhood as both a stabilizing force and a suspiciously well-dressed abstract concept, Cornelius balanced his days with basketball, motorcycle joyrides on his beloved 2023 Honda CB400, and occasional wrestling matches with his loyal pet komodo dragon, Alfred.

Once rumored to be a mildly racist ex-SS commander (though records remain unclear), Cornelius heroically contained the chaos of one man’s overcaffeinated mind. He is survived by 14 wives, 5 sons, 9 daughters, Alfred the dragon, and a mountain of crippling debt that would make even the most forgiving bank manager weep.

Cornelius will be missed, mostly by creditors.

Cornelius, sanity in a suit—basketball in hand, dragon debt unpaid.

Cornelius may be gone, but the absurdity lives on. For more chaotic tales, don’t miss Bang Bang, Bayan! — The Memoirs of a Sentient Pistol in WWII Philippines

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Heaven & Hell Basketball Showcase Decides Ukraine-Russia Conflict

Photo from 2019's Heaven & Hell Basketball Showcase

CELESTIAL ARENA — Tuesday, August 19, 2025  

An electrified crowd of angels and demons packed Celestial Arena tonight for the opening of the seven-game Heaven & Hell Basketball Showcase. With the winner granted the power to sway the outcome of the Ukraine-Russia conflict, anticipation crackled through every halo and horn.  

Grand Opening Spectacle Dazzles Celestial Arena

The festivities began with a blistering set by rock legend Ozzy Osbourne, whose howl echoed off gilded balconies as pyrotechnics painted the rafters in celestial fire. Directly afterward, wrestling icons Hulk Hogan and Razor Ramon squared off in the center court, body-slamming each other beneath suspended hoops and sending the infernal faithful into a frenzied chant of “Whatcha gonna do when Heaven runs wild on you?”  

Recruitment Clash Sparks Satanic Outcry

Holy Heist: Juicy Jesuits’ Safety-Pin Bank Robbery & Drunk Koala Getaway

VATICAN CITY (Not Really) — In what authorities are calling “the most sacrilegious stunt since someone tried to baptize a cat,” a rogue band of renegade priests known as Junnie’s Juicy Jesuits executed a bank robbery so bizarre it left law enforcement baffled, theologians speechless, and one koala slightly hungover.

🙏 The Leader: Junnie, the Unholy Heartthrob

The group’s charismatic leader, Junnie — a self-proclaimed “serial philanderer with a rosary and a dream” — reportedly orchestrated the heist using nothing but a stolen sermon, a Latin dictionary, and a suspiciously well-trained marsupial. Witnesses say Junnie entered the bank wearing a cassock lined with glitter and humming “Like a Prayer.”

“He blessed the vault before blowing it open,” said one stunned teller. “It was oddly respectful.”