VATICAN CITY (Not Really) — In what authorities are calling “the most sacrilegious stunt since someone tried to baptize a cat,” a rogue band of renegade priests known as Junnie’s Juicy Jesuits executed a bank robbery so bizarre it left law enforcement baffled, theologians speechless, and one koala slightly hungover.
🙏 The Leader: Junnie, the Unholy Heartthrob
The group’s charismatic leader, Junnie — a self-proclaimed “serial philanderer with a rosary and a dream” — reportedly orchestrated the heist using nothing but a stolen sermon, a Latin dictionary, and a suspiciously well-trained marsupial. Witnesses say Junnie entered the bank wearing a cassock lined with glitter and humming “Like a Prayer.”
“He blessed the vault before blowing it open,” said one stunned teller. “It was oddly respectful.”
💥 The Heist: Incense, Chaos, and a Safety Pin
The Jesuits stormed the bank wielding thuribles like nunchucks and quoting scripture with unsettling enthusiasm. Surveillance footage shows the group disabling the alarm system using a single safety pin and what appears to be a 1997 Nokia phone.
“They chanted in Latin, threw communion wafers like ninja stars, and somehow hacked the vault using Gregorian chants,” said SWAT Commander Chuck “No-Nonsense” Henderson. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”
🐨 The Escape: Koala-fied Getaway
After securing an undisclosed amount of cash and several confused blessings, the group escaped in a stolen ice cream truck driven by a visibly intoxicated koala named Kevin. Kevin, wearing a tiny mitre, reportedly swerved through traffic while sipping sacramental wine and growling in tongues.
“We tried to pursue,” said Henderson, “but the koala threw eucalyptus leaves at our windshield and vanished into the mist.”
🕵️♂️ Investigation Ongoing
Authorities are still searching for the Juicy Jesuits, who are believed to be hiding in a monastery-themed speakeasy somewhere in the Alps. Junnie has since released a cryptic TikTok video featuring Gregorian trap music and the caption: “Thou shalt not snitch.”
The Vatican has declined to comment, though sources say Pope Leo XIV briefly considered exorcising the entire internet.
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